"No one loves me, no one needs me". Do you hear others saying that? Or perhaps you are saying it yourself? What kind of thought it is and how does it come to your head?
In cognitive behavioral therapy world it - being unlovable - is one of the core beliefs. Of course, we don't always formulate a core belief in a way that is correct or helpful. Decision that we are not worth of love we usually make early in the childhood, when rational thinking is not developed enough, not yet, to be able to make sound judgement - but the emotional experience is so strong and overwhelming that we are forced to make one. So we rely on the decision that we are able to make, and it is usually emotional instead of rational. If we don't get enough of warm support, agreement, attention, time from the people that we trust unconditionally - then we start feeling useless, not valued, abandoned. And we explain why we are there - because we are not worth loving. And that we need to try harder. And often we even demand from ourselves to do everything perfectly, otherwise we will not be worthy of love.
We trust unconditionally all the people that we grow up in one home, most often parent, but really all the people living in the same home are part of this trust circle. Adults who think or say to their children "don't you understand that I have other duties and obligations, and I cannot spend so much time with you or keep encouraging you all the time" - please remember that small children are not yet able to understand and comprehend the way adults can. They are too small. They believe, obey, fear, enjoy - bet they do not understand yet. And not because they are stubborn - only because their brain is not mature enough to be able to process information on this level. Adults themselves tend to forget that this happened to them as well and explain their experience from their adult point of view.
Do you feel similar to that, unlovable? Try to review your arguments, your response to why do you believe you are unlovable. What evidence do you have to support that? Is your evidence true, conclusive, consistent? Or are they rare, occasional examples? For how long have you felt like this? If for as long as you remember yourself - then you you see it rationally, or fell emotionally? If these are different - then try to separate that child that felt unlovable from the successful adult that you are right now, and let them talk. Write a letter to your childhood self, encourage him or her. If that is too awkward - try to think of a child that would remind you yourself in the childhood, and be warm and supportive adult to this child. This practice is meant to not only to bid farewell to your painful past, but also to realize that here and now you are different, strong and reliable self. Try a loving kindness meditation - we'll talk about it next time.
My name is Monika, I am health and nutrition psychologist. I help to deal with daily and difficult questions about behavior, thinking, emotions. I write, teach and provide psychological counselling. Book my talk to discuss your core beliefs.
Photo: Xuan Duong from Pixabay
#spoonfulofreason #psychology #cognitivebehaviortherapy #cbt #unlovable
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Jolanda Jetten, Stephen D. Reicher, S. Alexander Haslam, Tegan Cruwy, "Together Apart: The Psychology of COVID-19" is a book by four social psychologists about the pandemic, about how we succeed and fail to deal with it and which psychological phenomenons take part in it. We do not necessarily realize that identity perception, leadership, social influence, difference between "comply" and "support", behavior change, conspiracy theories, social distancing, group threats, risk perception and management, collective trauma, mass psychology, solidarity, inequality, polarization and group identity have an impact on all of us, all at once.
To be able to identify the importance and magnitude of each factor is not an easy task, but might be easier to handle after reading this great book.
My name is Monika, I am health and nutrition psychologist. I help to deal with daily and difficult questions about behavior, thinking, emotions. I write, teach and provide psychological counselling. Book my talk to know more about dealing with changes
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Minimalism is a way of life focused on owning as few things as possible (or only as many as necessary). Besides obvious financial or time-saved-for-tidying advantages, switching to minimalism as minimalism itself has noticeable psychological benefits.
Participants in this qualitative study were practitioners of minimalism. They stated that they enjoy an improved wellbeing due to increased autonomy, competence, mental space, awareness and positive emotions. Previous research also identifies themes of simplicity, pro-ecological behaviors and control on materialism.
How many thing s do you own that you do not really need? And how about that mental space?...
My name is Monika, I am health and nutrition psychologist. I help to deal with daily and difficult questions about behavior, thinking, emotions. I write, teach and provide psychological counselling. Book my talk to discuss minimalism and psychology!
Photo: Sofie Zbořilová from Pixabay
#spoonfulofreason #psychology #minimalism #order #ecology #mentalspace
Does minimalism, besides being nice source of content for social media, have any other benefits, for example, psychological? Apparently, it does.
The research outlines four behaviors related to minimalism: clutter removal, cautious shopping, longevity (of the purchased items, I assume) and self-sufficiency.
The research also found that minimalism significantly increases feeling of flourishing (nice choice of the term!) and alleviates depression.
👆 I _always_ said, that tidying is a great form of meditation, that it is also a series of calm, repetitive motions (and leads to relaxation), besides, the result is always visually pleasing!
My name is Monika, I am health and nutrition psychologist. I help to deal with daily and difficult questions about behavior, thinking, emotions. I write, teach and provide psychological counselling. Book my talk to know more about psychology of cleaning!
Photo: Scott Webb from Pixabay
#spoonfulofreason #psychology #minimalism #tidying #flourishing #depression